Jabroni Capital

a newsletter as unreliable as your lead investor

General Partner & Chief Jabroni Officer

Raise Your Seed Round

I help early stage startups raise money through 1:1 weekly coaching 

I'll help you tell a better story, drive fomo, and book meetings with investors. Feel free to reach out jack@raiseyourseed.com

Some companies I've worked with: Moon Mortgage, Archetype, Anthems, Zelf, Baxus, EdgeFinance, and more

Fundraising Coach

Archetype

Investor

Day One

Mentor

PIN (Power in Numbers)

Helped communities invest together. Backed by Initialized, NEA, GSR, and Canaan

Head of Growth & Community 

Hoodle

Live learning groups to teach, inspire, and entertain. Raised $2.3M

Co-Founder & COO

Antler

Antler (www.antler.co) is a global startup generator and early-stage VC.  Recruited hundreds of amazing founders & built the first online & remote Antler program.

Program Manager

Founder in Residence

Indulo

Co-Founder

GameCredits

Built a community of tens of thousands for the first gaming cryptocurrency. Raised one of the largest crowdfunds in the world - $53M that shit was crazy.

GameCredits was the first gaming cryptocurrency, building tech for in-game monetization.

Community Manager

Syracuse University

Teaching Assistant: Web Design and Management

I help early stage startup founders raise money & make jokes :)

Jabroni Capital is the funniest newsletter in the tech industry read by 14,000+ founders, investors, & tech executives. 

jack@raiseyourseed.com

Other stuff I've done: I got my start in tech building popular Minecraft servers. I went on to join the first gaming crypto in 2016, built communities of tens of thousands & raised a $53M crowdfund. Since then I recruited & ran program for a startup accelerator, raised millions for my own startup, and coached hundreds of founders.

If your CTO isn’t doing this on flights, your startup isn’t going to make it: 


P.S. subscribe to my newsletter for the funniest tech news: https://lnkd.in/ekGih-Hf

Jack Kuveke

GP @ Jabroni Capital | Head of Content @ Jabroni Media | Adam Neumann Look-alike | Ex-Child

Here are the top 5 VC firms that DO NOT want to hear from you:

a16z - reaching out to a16z is like DMing Sydney Sweeney a picture of your dad bod & thinking maybe she’s into guys who live with their parents in Iowa. 

Bessemer - this fund turned down Apple, Google, Tesla, and Facebook - but you think your dating app for goth girls is worthy of their investment. As the kids say, you’re delulu.

Sequoia - good news, Sequoia will talk to you… if you have $5M in MRR & are growing 30% MoM. So ask yourself, are you there yet?

Tiger Global - Tiger is the type of girl who's really into you when you have a hot girlfriend. And that hot GF is named a16z or Sequoia. But unfortunately, as we saw above, your DM to Kim is going on three weeks without a response. 

Jabroni Capital - we will gladly invest in your company with the best terms you’ve seen… if you’re related to a Saudi prince or your dad’s name is Jamie Dimon

I hope this was helpful. 

P.S. Subscribe to my newsletter if you want to laugh about the tech industry: https://lnkd.in/ekGih-Hf

Billionaires in 1895: let’s use child labor.

Billionaires in 2025: let’s file as a non-profit then go public for $1 trillion. 

Too bad Rockefeller isn’t alive to see these shenanigans. 

P.S. subscribe to my newsletter for the funniest business and world news: https://lnkd.in/ekGih-Hf

Fedir Makarchuk

Building a startup is hard when you’ve been paid $584k/year to play office ping pong and write code 6 hours/week. 

Ex-Googler: “I thought I could Google how to build an AI company, but the search results only showed me how to sell meth on Market Street”. 

P.S. Subscribe to my newsletter for unhinged startup satire: https://lnkd.in/ekGih-Hf

Tech companies in 2005: "We hit profitability, it's time to IPO"

Tech companies in 2025: "Let's get the government to underwrite our $1T IPO in case we go bankrupt"

Don't remember learning about this tactic in business school...

P.S. Subscribe to my newsletter for the funniest tech and world news: https://lnkd.in/ekGih-Hf

2026 is going to be the year of debt-maxing.

- Gucci tracksuit on a 36% interest Klarna plan
- $75k 15 year car loan at 22% (BMW makes you look rich) 
- $225k in student loans for a degree that’s useless 
- $50k of debt on your credit card (but you save so much on airline tickets with all those points) 

And now you can take out a 50 year mortgage so you can pay $1M in interest payments on $400k house which you’ll die before fully own.  

God bless the American dream. 

P.S. Subscribe to my newsletter to laugh at tech & world news: https://lnkd.in/ekGih-Hf

This sums up the state of YCombinator in 2025: 

If you’re building advanced AI models instead of outsourcing to a team of Filipino VAs, you don’t have what it takes. 

P.S. Subscribe to my newsletter to see what 30,000 founders & VCs are laughing at: https://lnkd.in/ekGih-Hf

A founder I invested in told me they had a busy day.

This was their calendar:

(They’re the best performing company in my portfolio) 

P.S. subscribe to my newsletter for the funniest tech news: https://lnkd.in/ekGih-Hf

Everyone who’s tried marketing their biz on LinkedIn has experienced this:

You open the app to post &  see a jr. sales rep named Chad say, “here’s what intramural lacrosse taught me about sales”. 

Immediately, you want to fling yourself headfirst into an industrial wood chipper. 

You tell yourself, “I would rather my company go bankrupt than add to the slop of this platform”. 

But it doesn’t have to be this way. 

Instead, you can post content:

- That makes your customer base laugh & want to work with you. 
- Builds a cult following. 
- Gets people to say, “Your posts are the reason I open LinkedIn”. 

In the last 4 months, I’ve helped dozens of founders and VCs get millions of views on LinkedIn and drive sales for their business. 

So if you're interested in building a LinkedIn brand that grows your business without making people hate you, we’ve got room for 2 more clients:

https://lnkd.in/eVTxYkMB

Devastated to see the greatest investor of all time retire. 

Thank you for your years of service, my Nvidia portfolio wouldn’t be here without you. 

P.S. Subscribe to my newsletter to laugh about tech & world news: https://lnkd.in/ekGih-Hf

This is how you should respond to LinkedIn DMs:


P.S. Subscribe to my newsletter for the funniest business & world news: https://lnkd.in/ekGih-Hf

For years, I struggled to find love.

I tried everything. 

- Working out
- Exploring hobbies 
- Volunteering at a soup kitchen

Nothing worked. 

But then I raised $80M for my unprofitable AI startup, and people finally started seeing the real me. 

P.S. Subscribe to my newsletter for the funniest business & world news: https://lnkd.in/ekGih-Hf

An entrepreneur asked me why their LinkedIn posts weren’t getting likes. 

I told them your posts are more cringe than dming Sydney Sweeney and asking her to go to prom with you. 

See, most LinkedIn content is worse than swallowing a rusty bucket of nails.  

It’s normally: 

- Stories that sound more fake than when your middle school friend says, “I met my GF at camp.”
- AI-generated slop.
- Fundraising announcements that no one cares about. 

But you don’t have to be like every other LinkedIn “thoughtleader”. 

I started helping companies & VCs make content that:

- Makes you sound knowledgeable without sounding like a try-hard.
- Builds a cult following & drives sales for your company.
- Gets people to send your posts to friends and say, “This person gets it.”

We’ve helped dozens of founders and VCs 10x their LinkedIn engagement and close millions of dollars worth of sales. 

So if you're interested in building a LinkedIn brand that grows your business without making people wish you were struck by lightning, we’ve got room for 3 more clients:

https://lnkd.in/eGP8w5jA

I made $4M this year as an Instagram self-help guru. Here’s my playbook:

Step 1: Get abs. No one will take you seriously if you’re not ripped, so take the last $58 in your bank account and get a Planet Fitness membership. 

Step 2: Pick a scam to sell to your audience. Drop shipping, vending machines, Amazon fulfillment, etc. Your audience will have a collective IQ of 42 so you can really pick anything you want.  

Step 3: Hire models to take photos with you while you work on your laptop. Be sure to have a dashboard pulled up showing your followers how much fake money you’re making every week. 

Step 4: Sneak into local car dealerships at night and take photos with expensive cars. 

Step 5: Be more unhinged with every Instagram post. Wear insane sunglasses, get a tattoo of a Chinese proverb on your neck, & 

Final step: Move to either Miami, Dubai, or LA & buy a strip club.

If you follow these steps, you'll have 10 good years until the IRS inevitably raids your home. 

P.S. Subscribe to my newsletter for the funniest business and world news: https://lnkd.in/ekGih-Hf

VCs: “we invested in a revolutionary AI startup”

The startup: “we let people talk to dead relatives”

Just when you think the AI wave couldn’t get any worse, this gets released. 

P.S. Subscribe to my newsletter to laugh about the tech industry: https://lnkd.in/ekGih-Hf

Head of marketing: “I have a great idea for an ad that will resonate with GenZ users”.

The ad:

This is how my wife budgets her $33,000/month allowance. 

- Date nights with her “friend” Mike: $8,000 (I work late, so I’m grateful for his help)

- Investments (aka Hermes bags): $11,500

- Charity: $4,200 (her friend Charity needs money for foot surgery, (ugly toes)

- Monthly trips with Mike: $7,500

- Diapers & Baby supplies: $1,200 (which is strange because we don’t have kids yet)

If you have the capability to give your wife an allowance, do it. 

I may not have the time I want to spend with her, but I can make sure her needs are taken care of when I’m not around. 

P.S. Subscribe to my newsletter for more unhinged satire: https://lnkd.in/ekGih-Hf

He has no idea that dad lost all of his college savings on labubu futures.


P.S. Subscribe to my newsletter for funniest tech & business news: https://lnkd.in/ekGih-Hf

Taking paper notes while impersonating AI, is the funniest thing to happen this year. 

Imagine sneezing in a zoom call & the “AI” note taker unmutes & says bless you. 

P.S. Subscribe to my newsletter if you want to laugh at the tech industry: https://lnkd.in/ekGih-Hf

Vampires would never miss out on the power of compound interest. 

(I can verify as the great great great great grand nephew of Dracula)

P.S. Subscribe to my newsletter for the funniest business and world news: https://lnkd.in/ekGih-Hf

taplio

Jack Kuveke's Linkedin Analytics

Jack Kuveke

Performance ScoreJack Kuveke's LinkedIn Performance

Jack Kuveke's Best Posts (last 30 days)

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.css-6ytdur{background-image:linear-gradient(284deg, rgba(39, 43, 72, 1) 0%, rgba(33, 47, 183, 1) 100%);color:transparent;-webkit-background-clip:text;background-clip:text;}Jack Kuveke's Linkedin Analytics

Jack Kuveke

Performance Score.css-goub6s{font-size:var(--chakra-fontSizes-md);font-weight:500;color:var(--chakra-colors-gray-600);display:block;margin-top:var(--chakra-space-1);}Jack Kuveke's LinkedIn Performance

Jack Kuveke's Best Posts .css-1emoo84{font-size:var(--chakra-fontSizes-md);font-weight:400;color:var(--chakra-colors-gray-600);}(last 30 days)

Ready to grow your LinkedIn presence?

Jack Kuveke's Linkedin Analytics

Performance ScoreJack Kuveke's LinkedIn Performance

Jack Kuveke's Best Posts (last 30 days)