Jabroni Capital

a newsletter as unreliable as your lead investor

General Partner & Chief Jabroni Officer

Raise Your Seed Round

I help early stage startups raise money through 1:1 weekly coaching 

I'll help you tell a better story, drive fomo, and book meetings with investors. Feel free to reach out jack@raiseyourseed.com

Some companies I've worked with: Moon Mortgage, Archetype, Anthems, Zelf, Baxus, EdgeFinance, and more

Fundraising Coach

Archetype

Investor

Day One

Mentor

PIN (Power in Numbers)

Helped communities invest together. Backed by Initialized, NEA, GSR, and Canaan

Head of Growth & Community 

Hoodle

Live learning groups to teach, inspire, and entertain. Raised $2.3M

Co-Founder & COO

Antler

Antler (www.antler.co) is a global startup generator and early-stage VC.  Recruited hundreds of amazing founders & built the first online & remote Antler program.

Program Manager

Founder in Residence

Indulo

Co-Founder

GameCredits

Built a community of tens of thousands for the first gaming cryptocurrency. Raised one of the largest crowdfunds in the world - $53M that shit was crazy.

GameCredits was the first gaming cryptocurrency, building tech for in-game monetization.

Community Manager

Syracuse University

Teaching Assistant: Web Design and Management

I help early stage startup founders raise money & make jokes :)

Jabroni Capital is the funniest newsletter in the tech industry read by 14,000+ founders, investors, & tech executives. 

jack@raiseyourseed.com

Other stuff I've done: I got my start in tech building popular Minecraft servers. I went on to join the first gaming crypto in 2016, built communities of tens of thousands & raised a $53M crowdfund. Since then I recruited & ran program for a startup accelerator, raised millions for my own startup, and coached hundreds of founders.

7 years ago, I stopped going to coffee shops & started making coffee at home. 

I ended up saving $5 a day. That’s:
-$25 a week
-$100 a month 
-$1200 a year 
- $8500 over 7 years

I took that $8,500 and invested in WeWork, FTX, and Bolt. Now it's worth 0. 

I should have invested in unprofitable AI startups. 

P.S. Subscribe to my newsletter for more unhinged startup satire & memes: https://lnkd.in/ekGih-Hf

Jack Kuveke

GP @ Jabroni Capital | Head of Content @ Jabroni Media | Adam Neumann Look-alike | Ex-Child

I’ve started 4 companies as a first-semester freshman in college. How? 

Simple: I’ve enrolled and dropped out of college 4 times. 

The secret to a successful business isn’t hardwork and dedication. It’s dropping out of a top tier university. 

All the best startup founders are college dropouts. Mark Zuckerberg, Steve Jobs, & Bill Gates. 

People who finish college signal that they are weak and don’t have confidence in themselves.

Top venture capitalists know this. 

It only cost me $163,000 to pay for 4 semesters at Stanford, but each time I was able to drop out and raise millions from investors like a16z & Y Combinator. 

P.S. Subscribe to my newsletter for unhinged startup satire: https://lnkd.in/ekGih-Hf

If your CEO makes a video like this, you have 6 months until you’re unemployed:

Here are 5 lessons from the Venezuelan invasion that made me a better CEO:

🎯Eliminate competition: Not everyone has access to a Delta Force Strike team, but everyone has access to predatory lawyers and private investigators. Drown your competition in questionable legal issues.

🏃‍➡️ Strike fast: Timing is everything, but don’t wait to strike. Being the first to market with a product is a major advantage. Don’t let your competition get ahead of you. 

⁉️ Disregard ethics: If you have to ask your lawyers if you can do something, you’re already losing. Do you think Microsoft cared about antitrust laws when they became #1? No, their profits paid for the legal defense. 

💀 Minimize casualties: Obviously, I'm only talking about your own employees; re-hiring and training is expensive. It’s only natural that your competitors' employees will be homeless by the time you’re done with them. (Don’t feel bad, Blackrock would have made them broke anyway)

💰Seize resources: Just like America seized Venezuela's oil, so China couldn’t, Meta bought up all the Nvidia graphics cards so their competitors couldn’t. Even if your company doesn’t need something, your competitors might, and that means you’re buying it. 

To all my loyal fans, I hope this helps. To all my competitors, I’m coming for you.

P.S. Subscribe to my newsletter for more unhinged satire: https://lnkd.in/ekGih-Hf

Here’s a list of my goals in 2026 as an investor & CEO.

This year I want to be more transparent with the people in my life (except with my employees, accountability coach, therapist, accountant, attourney, and my family).

P.S. Subscribe to my newsletter for the funniest business & world news: https://lnkd.in/ekGih-Hf

Angel investors, when the startup they invested $4,300 in gets acquired:

“It’s been tough cheering from the sidelines these past 7 years, but someone had to do it”

Subscribe to my newsletter for unhinged startup satire: https://lnkd.in/ekGih-Hf

I didn’t give my employees a Christmas bonus this year. 

I gave them something better: the opportunity to work on Christmas Day. 

In exchange, I didn’t fire them. 

Merry Christmas to all.

Love, 
The Jabroni Capital team.

P.S. The holiday is over; get back to work.

VC: “How do you know there’s an AI bubble Jack?”

Me: “Most of my LinkedIn connections started fake companies in 2025.”

VCs are finally copying the investment strategy Jabroni Capital has used for years: 


P.S. Subscribe to my newsletter for the funniest business & world news: https://lnkd.in/ekGih-Hf

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Jack Kuveke

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